Being an Office Ninja is hard work – a sometimes thankless job where you listen to the same complaints over and over again. Somedays you want to just give up and go home, and make a statement while doing it. Well, you’re in luck; the holiday season is upon us and there is no better way to get the higher-ups to re-evaluate the synergy between you and the company than by your performance at the office party. Here are the top 5 tips on how to act if getting fired is your end-game* (or maybe avoid these things if you actually like your job).
Get totally hammered before showing up. In fact, it’s probably best if you leave work early that day in order to pre-game “properly” (make a big deal about it, too — telling your bosses and coworkers that you’re heading home early to get smashed). Don’t just have a couple of glasses of wine, you should go straight for shots. You and everyone else look better blurry, right? It’s scientifically proven that the drunker you are when you show up at a party, the more inebriated you’ll be… science.
Hit on Your Boss
Flattery is the universal way of telling your supervisors that you love your job, and there is no stronger form of flattery than a pickup line. We suggest the following: “Hey there, good lookin, I’ve been waiting all year for a chance at you,” or “Wanna head over towards the mistletoe?” and, “Ooh, ooh, oooh! Mama/Papa liiiiikes.” If none of those work, a good old fashioned butt pinch is always welcome! Bonus points if you ask your boss and their significant other if they are a) swingers and b) interested (wiiiink).
What do cocktail attire, passed hor ‘d oeuvres and meeting the board all have in common? Karaoke, duh. More than likely your company will come fully equipped with a karaoke machine/screen, as it’s standard for all holiday parties, but just in case, we suggest coming with a couple songs committed to memory. Remember, DJs LOVE it when you grab their microphones, especially without asking (it’s a sign of respect).
Throw Some Punches
Ever feel like you aren’t fully heard in those weekly team meetings? Or maybe you-know-who’s always stealing your lunch from the shared fridge? Assert yourself! If someone accidentally bumps into you, punch them! If someone accidentally steals your drink, punch them! If someone cuts in line for the bathroom, kick their ass! How else are people supposed to take you seriously and know you really mean business?
Invite Your Friends
You should plan to come rolling at least 4 deep, after all, everyone knows that RSVP requirements and written invitations stand for “rager,” and a rager is nothing if not shared with your friends. The best group you can plan to bring includes the following: 1 significant other (or “special friend”) that enjoys serious PDAs and grinding on the dance floor, 1 horndog college buddy that can’t keep it in his/her pants, and 1 friend whose only goal is to find an investor for their new app idea.
It’s important to note that following just one of these suggestions isn’t enough to get you canned. In fact, it probably won’t get you more than a couple of sideways glances, come Monday, and that just won’t do. But, the magic combination of two or three of these “tips” is a sure-fire way to get you negative marks on your next review. And of course, you should also make sure to just stop doing any actual work, altogether.
Got any nightmare office party stories to tell? Share them in the comments below!
*Please note, these tips will likely result in charges of sexual harassment, assault, and a need for an intervention. OfficeNinjas takes no responsibility for the detriment this may cause to your resume.